for days where my biology
misaligns with time
in hindsight
reflexes + inflection
tone. perception
thoughts swarming around me
i’d pay blood to shut my brain off

heavy. caged
patient by force, restricted
limited range of motion
was hoping
but there’s nothing i can do
so i won’t. i don’t
i am not here
disappearing

inhale but no ex
the breath i took in last
turned on itself
choking up the truth
of everything i’ve felt
and it feels ugly
what i buried grew
blooming in all i do
busting through stone walls
rock hard of hearing
from four feet under ground
+ currently disappearing

but i outlined me
in something somewhat recognizable
a charming personality quite identifiable
while hiding in plain sight + dying in view
eroding in fear; bound
by what it was programmed to do
possessed by a variety of anxieties
never speaking up + covering what’s inside of me

socially i look whole
rehearsing motions to go through
grabbing glimpses
picturing pictures
tracing me
drawing lines + coloring outside boundaries
skeptical of visible
questioning my engineering
regularly disappearing

slowly fading to black
in increments
turning the knob from left to right
experimenting with my existence
in every room flicking switches
setting dark to light
death to fight
jabbing the notion that i am not worth seeing
peeking at a masterpiece
draped in societal expectations
met time + time again
except they are not mine
just passed on with general admission
apparently
it comes with the ticket
but i’m here for the show
to watch, to learn, and to grow
not under a microscope
through eyes of love + arms of safety
longing to be accurately perceived
that’s why i’m slowly fading

notice my shifts + remember i’m healing
listen to my view + investigate my feelings
don’t get tired when you can’t figure me out
try again because i’m worth it
i’m hiding because i’m hurting
from pain i cannot name
but love could erase the shame
softening this shell into a portal
not so far, always nearing
+ possibly reappearing